A steady map for the first 90 days after an affair comes to light, for the partner who was hurt and the partner who had the affair.
Calm, practical words for the earliest and hardest stretch, written with equal care for both partners, and a 90-day plan so that neither of you has to decide everything today. From Dr. Ari Sytner, PhD, LCSW, Certified Gottman Therapist.
Instant download. If this doesn’t give you something you can use in your next conversation, reply and you’ll get a refund.
In the first days after an affair comes to light, the home may look the same, yet for both partners it can feel as though the ground has shifted. Often one partner is asking questions late into the night and lying awake after the answers, while the other is trying to answer honestly and finding that every answer seems to make things worse, unsure whether to say more or less.
Friends and family may have strong opinions about what the couple should do. What is usually missing is something much more immediate, which is knowing what to say tonight and how to get through the next three months when the future feels impossible to picture.
Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman describe affair recovery in three phases: atone, attune and attach. The first phase is about steadying the ground, which means ending the affair completely, answering questions honestly, and allowing the hurt to be as large as it is without rushing it. That is why this guide treats the first 90 days as a time for steadying rather than for deciding whether to stay.
This guide walks through that first stretch with both of you. It offers words that protect each partner’s dignity, a 90-day map so the biggest decisions can wait until you can see more clearly, and clear guidance on when to bring in a trained couples therapist, a step that for most couples belongs early in those 90 days.
What’s inside
- Why the first weeks are for steadying. Why the first phase is about stabilizing rather than deciding, and how putting big decisions on hold protects both of you.
- What atonement sounds like, scripts for the partner who had the affair, focused on making room for the other person’s pain rather than defending against it or hurrying it.
- Questions that heal and questions that re-wound, scripts for the partner who was hurt, so the need to know does not become a way of hurting yourself more.
- The no-big-decisions agreement, a short agreement the two of you make together, so the next 90 days have a clear shape and neither of you feels rushed.
- The 90-Day Map, a one-page phased checklist of the Gottmans’ three phases, atone, attune and attach, marked with where you are and what comes next.
- A composite example of a couple in the first month, including two early mornings, worked through.
- A one-page pocket sheet you can keep somewhere private, and one PDF that reads on a screen and prints clean.
Look inside
12-page PDF · fillable worksheet · one-page pocket sheet
All 12 pages are shown here small and blurred, so the guide is yours to read for the first time when it arrives. It downloads as a PDF right after you order.
The clinician behind Couples Conversations
Couples Conversations is the work of Dr. Ari Sytner, PhD, LCSW, a Certified Gottman Therapist, clinical professor at Yeshiva University’s Wurzweiler School of Social Work, and author of the Couples Conversations™ book series. For many years he has worked with couples in therapy, and the Field Guides were created to answer a question that often follows a helpful article: “Okay, but what do I actually say?”
Each guide names the research it draws on and stays within what that research supports. The scripts are written in the plain, everyday words couples use with each other, so they feel natural to say. Each guide also picks up where its article leaves off, so that the ideas you may have read about become words you can use at home.
Built on John and Julie Gottman’s clinical model of affair recovery in three phases, atone, attune and attach, and on Dr. John Gottman’s research on trust and repair. The guide presents the three phases as their clinical model and makes no claims about how many couples recover. Where the guide reaches the edge of what a booklet can do, it says so and points you toward a trained couples therapist.
The First 90 Days After an Affair
A simple guarantee
If this doesn’t give you something you can use in your next conversation, reply and you’ll get a refund.
There is no form to fill out, and no one will ask you to explain why. Because the guide is an instant download, you can read it right away and decide for yourself whether it helps.
Questions
Is this just the free article?
No. The article explains the three phases and what the first weeks often look like. The guide is what you can say and do inside them, with scripts for each partner, the no-big-decisions agreement, the 90-Day Map, a worked example and the pocket sheet. If the article was enough for now, you may not need the guide, and that is perfectly fine.
Is this a substitute for couples therapy?
No, and the guide says so plainly. Recovery from an affair goes best with a trained couples therapist, and this guide is something you can read while you look for one and bring with you to the first session. If there is any concern for anyone’s safety, please seek professional help first, before any of this.
Which of us should read it?
Either of you, and both if you can. It is written to the partner who was hurt and the partner who had the affair with equal care, and neither one is made the villain. You may find it easier to read it separately first and then look at the map together.
Will this help us decide whether to stay?
It is designed to help you wait, because the first 90 days are for steadying, and a decision made in the middle of the shock is rarely the one either of you would make once things feel more stable.
What if it doesn’t help?
Reply to the delivery email and you will get a refund. You do not need to fill out a form or explain why.
The First 90 Days After an Affair
Get the guide for $7If now is not the right time for the full guide, we can send you the free one-page version, with the main idea and three lines to try, so you can come back for the rest when you are ready.